There has been so much going on in my life right now. Many good, some bad. Those don’t wrap it up, of course. So much happening around me. Tory, Roger, Rey, and Laney moved (after a LOT of hard work) into their new house on our 10 acres today! (!!!) We’re all excited, and Rey loves her new pink bedroom. 😉 So, the weekend has been very busy with getting their house ready to move in. 🙂 (More on this to come!)
There’s been so much more, too.
Inside me.
A bit after we started getting horses here at Step By Step Sanctuary… I saw Senna. I saw how she was testing Tory; how she was making Tory want to be better, to work hard, to change herself for good.
Well, things go on. Time wares. Things are lost in a midst of things. Days not too long past turn into aged memories.
I do remember how I wanted to be ‘cleaned.’ I didn’t want to be ‘dirty’ when we started getting more horses, as we moved farther in our journey with Yahweh… In my mind, I didn’t want to be too unhealed for my horse to be able to draw near me without hurting themselves.
Yahweh is so, so big, so glorious- so perfect.
I didn’t want to stay ‘myself’. I wasn’t thinking so much on sin as I was thinking of ‘fixing’ the past scars and dirt I had inside.
But, I didn’t know how. Really, I wasn’t entirely grasping what I even wanted. I just wanted to be cleaner. To be better. To not be shackled by anything- to be anew. To not have a worn heart…
Yahweh has opened up a lot of things in my life recently. I have learned a lot, and I have had the blessing of being able to talk a lot with my Mom and Dad. I’ve shared a whole lot of my heart, my questions…. And I’ve learned so much about Yahweh and so, so much more… I can’t begin.
Except I suppose I have to start somewhere and with something.
It has taken prayer, reading, and sharing to get to where I am. Where am I? Somewhere I am pretty joyous and humbled to be.
See, first, my journey is not over. I know not what the future holds. Simple as that. I do however, know that the Creator does. And I’ve learned a lot about forgiving recently. It is so much more than I thought. More than many of us think.
I looked at my life, and a logical part of me said that I am not that old, therefore, I do not have a lot of life experiences. Nor do I have a lot of bad life experiences. I knew also that my home was not a home of ‘this world’, but more ‘of Heaven’. I am incredibly blessed and thankful for this gift; and the more I see how much of a rare gift this seems to be… It is sad.
As I knew that I didn’t have a long list of scarring experiences or memories, I also knew firmly I did not want to miss anything. I knew what tugged at my heart. I knew what hurts were big and affecting. I knew I knew I knew. I did not want to leave these things, merely try to ‘forget’ about them- I knew this was not what Yahweh wanted, and it would not do me good. And, at times, forgetting is very easy. And other times, it is not.
So, in small, I knew that taking the path I found right in God’s eyes was probably hard and going to take time, I seriously did not want to just drop my problems as if they were nothing. I knew this would hurt me later. I knew this would hut me now.
One of the things I have to face at night when I dream is Meesha. Maybe y’all don’t remember her, or never got the chance to hear me talk about her… I don’t know how to get into this or describe her.
Honestly, I don’t think about my sister much. Hearing her name spoken (in any form or fashion) seemed misplaced, as if someone was trying to press the wrong puzzle piece in a puzzle hole. Of course, I was angry at Meesha. Lots of times, especially toward the end. It is all sort of some haze or quick blur- but I knew the anger. But I also knew anger didn’t consume me. And that confused me- because it felt like I was numb. Too numb. As if I didn’t feel anything enough, or right, or that I just didn’t feel and I was numb and I must not have been feeling anything. It was like this inside for a long time after she left. I talked a few times to Tory and Ma, and I still didn’t feel very living.
If I wasn’t fuming with constant anger and memory- was there anything inside me? Had anything happened or affected me? Did I have to force myself to remember at random times, and then force emotion? To make myself feel better, rather than feeling numb or unmoved? I had no idea and that did not help.
What did I feel? Surely I had to feel something, right? I mean, I had known my sister, my best friend, my entire life- and yet, I felt nothing. How? This couldn’t be. Something was messed up. I wasn’t doing ‘it’ right.
I knew I missed her. I knew I missed my sister. But… I didn’t miss my sister. I missed… An illusion. This was something I struggled so, so hard with. Did I miss my sister? Yes. Did I miss the illusion of my best friend and sister? Yes.
I yearned for a sister. That sister you see in the movies or books. The encouraging one, the nice one, she ups your confidence, she goes shopping with you, you can talk about anything and everything, make jokes, go to town, visit each other when you’re adults- the fun sister. A person I loved and missed- someone who Meesha wasn’t really. I missed an illusion of someone I wanted to be. And she played perfectly to be what I wanted most of the time.
So, I never ‘hated’ my sister. But I was hurt. And that was it. I was told over and over that there was no right or wrong way to feel…. I knew it. I also knew it felt like I felt nothing… And for some reason, I think it was because Yahweh was protecting me from all of the flood of things… Farther on, I also think it was me ‘forgetting’ about it and ‘moving on’. Often I asked myself “what is moving on? How do you do that? Does it mean forgetting, accepting, or ignoring? Is it different for different people?”
True, I didn’t often think about Meesha. She isn’t on my mind. And yet, God found a way to reach me through my blockade. I kept on and kept on having dreams of Meesha. They weren’t nightmares or anything huge- she was just there.
This nagged at me. Why was I dreaming about her? Why was she ‘there’? Of all the other things I actually think about and care about, and they don’t show up in my nighttime dreams.
Yahweh had a purpose for this. It was to remind me that I wasn’t healed. I was still hurt and I still had things to ‘sort out’- but not alone.
I cannot forgive and love without Yahweh. And this is where my past thoughts when she first left were. I just wanted to be OK. I knew I could not accept the sin she had done, but I also didn’t want to forget. What did this leave me then? I didn’t know, so I let it all fade out.
Recently, I saw this was wrong. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to just ‘forget’. It was still harming me, whether I felt it constantly or not. I could not be the Creator’s vessel if I had this illness still in me on the walls of my soul. The confusion that I had to rid myself of this mess, Yahweh lifted from me. He has been showing me areas to learn from. I am so blessed and happy to be a part of such things. Learning such things… I am amazed.
I faced my demons a while back, simply put. I don’t want to go into great detail- but I do know that that night, Yahweh was with me and my Ma, and He helped me feel. Truly feel- and mourn. I had not mourned. And it was such a relief to mourn.
Since, and recently, Yahweh has helped me find…. Peace. I’m still on my journey, of course. But I know that I feel brighter.
I am not done with my journey. I do know that the Creator is with me, and by calling on Him to please help me cleanse and heal from the ‘scars’ that are actually still bleeding, but I’ve merely slapped a Band Aid on and called it for a blind day. To do this, I had to open the wound and show it to my Healer. And then, I prayed (I’m certainly not done praying!), and He has began to show me and help me heal. To learn. To see more than this world, see more of His. I’m in awe. Things make so much sense- and when they do not, and I sometimes feel fear stir, I pray that the sin inside is cast out. God didn’t give us the spirit of fear. It is not of Him. We cannot connect with the Creator if we have fear. So when things don’t make sense for me, I pray. I pray for answers, to take things step by step.
I did not want to leave what happened with Meesha unfinished. For a long time, I just didn’t know how to ‘fix it’ or ‘move on’. Or maybe I was also just choosing to ignore it.
Now. Now, I see the truth. It may take a while for me to touch on all of it, and then, I have barely touched the surface. Yahweh says for us to find wisdom, and understanding… And the Creator made me. Those three words are enough to make me cry or shiver. Why? Because He is Incredible. Perfect. Mighty. And He is Love. I am in His image. He says this.
It is almost like now I see more threads of the tapestry. And I see truth. And these help me understand (with God), and also… Feel better. I don’t know how to describe it quite. But I don’t feel bent and broken underneath anymore. I feel freer. I feel lighter, more open… Sort of like God came in and used a big, strong broom and whisked some things away. I feel stronger. And all of this because Yahweh was there for me to turn to, ask and pray to… And He has began to give me answers and more questions to help me grow- because He loves me. All I had to do was open myself to Him.
Does it hurt when I think about what happened? Yes. But I also know more truth to the bigger picture. This makes it so much easier for me to forgive Meesha, and pray for her- and more. I know that these wounds I have, that God is mending, aren’t things to just hide and pretend never happened… I may not be happy with them then, but I can heal.
And I can forgive and not ‘forget’; I can pray. I can love. This is what God wants. Before, in many cases to me, loving seemed insane, impossible, and wrong. I was wrong. But now I know there are different ways to love someone.
And I just… Feel better. It’s not exactly like suddenly I feel ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CARE FREE AND ECSTATIC!!!!! No, I’m still me. Still Angela. But you know what’s even better now? Is that I asked God to help me. And now, I feel weights being lifted and I feel Yahweh’s hand on me. That is what makes me feel better. My life is not suddenly perfect, and I of course still have life and things to work on and pray about and do- but… I’ve already overcome so many things, when I look back. Life has changed so much. And Yahweh is in control of all of it.
I know that the Creator made me and He will not forsake me- but it is up to me to turn to Him. To pray. To love. To grow. I have an entire life to live, so dear me, I am not wrapping everything up! I just knew I couldn’t be who God wanted me to be with those weights. And now, He’s freed me once more.
I look outside, I look around… I see trees lushly bursting with shades of green, I see the big blue sky, I feel the hot sun, I feel the spring rains bring good, fresh tidings. I see pastures of horses, I see my family beside me. Maybe it’s how the sun rays dash through the thick trees and cast merciful shadows on the grass… I am happy.
Some things just seem like huge mountains. With sharp cliffs and flat walls, steep and blaring… And sometimes my insides feel heavy, feel dark, feel wrong… Like it is neither Yahweh or I in my heart, but darkness. This is the dark trying to insert fear in me. Because these ‘mountains’ are not impossible to climb. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me- all I have to do is give Him my troubles and walk through it with Him.
The Creator had blessed me. I look around and see this daily. My heart fills with love and gratitude. Yahweh doesn’t want me to carry my own burdens by myself- He wants me to be healed. I cannot do this without the Holy Spirit Yahweh. I am constantly blown away when I see things, learn things, understand things- the Lord is perfect and He blows me away. His will is greater than mine- and thank Heaven this is so!
God bless you!
-Angie