Black And White

I don’t want to start with the sucky things first, so I’ll start with the good and end with the not-so-good. Well, wait, no. No, I’ll start with the bad and end with the postive so I’ll be in a good mood when I’m done and having vented etc. Yeah OK.Well. Here goes…

I’m not going to get into full detail. I’m not trying to seek attention doing this, I’m simply not comfy sharing the entire details. Plus, I don’t want too and my parents probably don’t want it either. No offense to anyone, but I’ll put all of my feelings and the hard stuff (all the facts and whatever I want) in my journal. Sadly, I don’t write in the darling much. But I’ll probably start again. I have quite a bit to write in their… Things I can’t nor do I really want to put on the Internet. There is only so much I share on here.

But anyway, continuing.

Meesha left. Again, I’d like to go into detail and just rant, but it won’t do much, and I don’t think anyone would appreciate my incoherent thoughts. The facts are these; Meesha has been getting in a lot of trouble here at home. She’s made this home a mess- arguing, anger, and hurt. She ranaway on Saturday, leaving a note. She’s talked to Mama and Tory on Facebook a few times, and she says she’s doing well etc etc. I’m not going into everything, but the basics are that she is not here anymore. She was very short with Mama and Tory in her messaging. She has not listened to anyone but her boyfriend for the past while.
The choppy facts being said- I guess I should talk about myself. I mean, blogs aren’t just for facts right? You have to journal it to a point. Hmm…
OK well I’m gonna be honest. I’m angry and hurt. What she did wasn’t OK at all (not just the runaway without saying goodbye thing), and it hurt to see her lie and stuff so much… But I mean, I’m not near as hurt or upset as I could be. I feel pretty OK, actually. My home has peace again, no more angry voices. No more long conversations that did nothing, it seemed. I miss Meesha already, but I have not sunk into depression.
I feel OK. I know how to understand the ‘why’s’ now, that I might have had, but I know the answers. I don’t feel as lost this time. I know that it is what it is, and I just have to trust God. And I am. It’s much easier this time. But then I feel bad. For this reason. Shouldn’t I be sinking into sadness? I mean, one of my best friends chose her boyfriend and friends over her family (Mama, Dad, Tory, Ryan, Kody, Rey, everyone). That really does hurt. Sucks, too. But I’m not crying. I don’t feel angry unless I think about it hard. I have a numb- no, more dull feeling now. Unless I stop and think about it, I’m not hovering over it being sad or angry or hurt. I do think about it, of course. Mama and Tory and Dad have all talked about Meesha and the stuff enough, and I have put in a few words here and there.
Mama and Dad said we can talk to them if we ever need or want to. And I know I can. But… Do I have anything I have to talk about? I don’t have questions. Last time I had questions. And they gave me something to focus on when I needed too. Sure, I made a mistake with them and just let them haunt me and control me. But this time, I have no questions. That is a good thing, when I think about it. God’s giving me the chance to deal with things.

But what do I deal with?

I mean, like I said, I’m not lying when I say I’m better. I hate to say it, but peace is back in our home, and I love it. I don’t want the dark cloud hanging over the air again. But this means Meesha is gone. I know she chose that. But it doesn’t make it easier when I’m actually not as crying upset as I thought I would be. I feel free- but I also feel like crap. Because she’s my sister and it isn’t good just to be OK with this, is it?

No its not. Of course, I’m not ‘just OK’ with it. I’m not OK with what she did at all. It hurt and it makes me upset and angry when I think about it. But if I don’t, and focus on the good, its dullened slightly. At least, I think it is. I’m sort of confused with all of this, trying to grasp what’s going on in me or what isn’t…

I miss Meesha, but I know that she has to learn by herself. She chose to do what she did, despite everyone saying otherwise. She needs to learn on her own. I can only pray for her now. And that is what I will do. I am. We all are.
But my problem is… Am I truly OK? Well, I know I shouldn’t expect myself to be handy dandy. And I’m not. But I know I have to make peace with everything. I’m not truly sure how to do that, how to deal with my feelings, or how to forgive Meesha. And if I have overcome some of each of these- how can I tell? I feel at peace- but when I think about it hard, I feel it again. But its usually dull, like I said. I’m pretty at peace I think, but sometimes I’m not.
I’m not sure what to talk about yet. Because I don’t have much too say… She did what she did, it is how it is. I’m OK because of God. I know this. Because I keep close to Him and remember what He says. He’s helping me through this, and He’s with my family. It may be hard now, and probably will be for a while- but as long as I keep my eyes on God and not the waves, I can walk on water.
I am worried though. I know I shouldn’t be- but its in my nature. God says not to worry. But I’m worried for my family. I know we’re not all OK. We may say it but I don’t think any of us are 100% OK, because I can always tell if someone’s OK by their eyes and I can also tell when they hide stuff. I shouldn’t worry. I guess I’ll just have to work on that. Maybe. Probably not. Gah.

As I said- I started with the not so great. That was a bit long, eh? Sorry if that was a roller coaster, and it was, but it is my blog (I tell myself as I worry people might think I need an ice cream)(actually ice cream sounds really good right now)(Sonic anyone?), so I try to keep my life updated on here because it is usually fun. And when it’s no fun, I remind myself it still helps me.
Anyway! That’s enough gray for today! Actually no it’s not. James Best, the man who played Sheriff Rosco on The Dukes Of Hazard, passed away today at age 88. I wanted to say that he was amazing, and I have always loved TDOH and used to watch it nonstop when I was younger. <3 RIP James Best, I will not forget you.
OK I’m gonna cry. Gash. Everytime I have to say RIP to actors, tears come. I have cried for Robin Williams and now James Best. I cannot say goodbye, then. I suppose this is what my tears mean. It’s just these men have changed my life. These characters they have played have made me laugh. When I needed it, they were making me die with laughter. I haven’t said this online but- when watching the last Night At The Musuem, when the characters were saying goodbye- I was crying then. It was sad as Hades. By the time the ending credits were rolling, and they did the In Honor Ofs for Robin Williams and the old guy in the wheelchair (the musuem guard), I was sobbing like a freaking baby. I mean like I had just lost my best friend. And it was just as bad as losing a best friend. Because I thought about how happy and humorous Robin Williams was… Lets just say I lost it. Here I am now with tears rolling down my cheeks because I have to say goodbye again to an actor who made me laugh many times.
I should probably move on or I’m gonna go get junk food and turn on Night At The Musuem and just sob for 5 hours. Ahem.
It has been raining (both pouring and showering) for the past few days. Today was pretty though, despite the rain. The trees are beginning to get fresh green leaves. Grass is perking. It is very beautiful to see the world change its bearings, like a fresh new beginning of an entire new beginning meant for change.

We redid Kody and I’s room. Since Meesha is gone, its just ours now.

We had to save our plants today, they got soaked. We have not gotten chickens yet but Kody and Dad are working on the chicken coop. 🙂 I’m not sure exactly what kind of chickens we’re ordering actually… Hmm…

Today was great though. 🙂 We went to the gym, and then Dad, Mama, Tory, Kody, and I went to a little deli. It was really good- I got a grilled cheese and potatoe wedges, yum! 🙂 Once we had gotten a car for Dad to work on, we came home. Well we’re home now haha, and we’re relaxing for the most part. Tory’s doing some things in her room, which is coming along nicely!

Rey should be over soon I think. What a big girl- last night, I bathed her. She’s quite the queen. 😉 Very smart too! She likes splashing in the tub for sure. She had a play bottle and sucked on it, after dipping it in the bath water. Despite my ‘don’t do that, nasty!’ she continued, saying it was ‘juice’. XD Then at the dinner table, Granny (OK forgive me, when I say Granny I mean Mama. My Mom. But since when Reyna’s around, Mama turns into Granny) and Mommy (Again, Mommy is Tory. I’m talking baby language… lol cool) had her naming her body parts. They’d say ‘eye’ and she’d point to her eye. She could do eye, nose, tongue, tummy, feet, leg, arm, and head all correct. We said ear and she said eye hehe- she’s a smart tiny woman! 🙂 <3
I took some photos today and there is also some photos I forgot/haven’t gotten to upload. 🙂 Enjoy!

Well. I’m currently playing with Kody. We haven’t played in a while. Its fun. Kody has his GI Joes and some tiny Lego guys; and I have started him watching Duararara!! and he seems to like it. He named the blond GI Shizzy (as in Shizuo) and another one with black hair Izaya. We have 2 other random GI’s, but the Lego people we have Celty (this little one has a white helmet though, but hey, the helmet part is perfect for Celty! :D) and a Shinra. Of course we are shipping those 2 in our game, just a tiny bit. 😉 And Kody likes splitting them all up in 2 teams, with Shizzy and Izaya on seperate teams. I’m playing Shizzy (of course! :D) and so far I have beat up Izaya with a big car and a helicopter. So if the man (or GI Joe, whatever) isn’t dead… I guess I’ll have to hit him more than 20 times this time. XD But it’s fun- Kody is now having Izaya be thrown against a wall with broken bones. UPDATE- actually I just found out Izaya just died and was thrown against the wall by one random GI dude. Shizzy was crying because I guess Celty died (HOW KODY HOW) and everyone’s sad. But now Shizzy is beatinjg up the random GI dude. I shall have to go fix these deaths because this isn’t OK. These mean characters are my babies! (let me warn you, if you watch DRRR!! Shizuo and Izaya are not fluffy but I LOVE THEM SO)

Shizzy!

And the man acting like a 3 yr old here is Izaya. (the girl with the helmet is Celty. Long story but I love her too she’s great).

And above is Shizzy trying to kill Izaya as usual. No big D, they both live through it. I drew these 2 actually;

Well, I should end this post here. On the note of that I would be a goner without the LORD. He is with me, and no matter what I feel or what I and my family go through, I know He knows what He’s doing.
“And the LORD, He it is that doth go before thee, He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee, neither be dismayed.”-Deuteronomy 31:8 (My newest favorite Scripture verse)
“Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknlowedge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
-Angela

Is Watching: Duararara!!, Clannad. (<3 <3 )
Is Reading: Hind’s feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard, Conservative Victory by Sean Hannity (I have a weird enjoyment of watching Hannity and so far, his books are fun for me to read. POLITICS…), Peeled by Joan Bauer, and the Bible.
Is Listening To: Everybody Loves Me by OneRepublic (DRRR!! AMV is great.). Also listening to recently; Alone by Eyeshine, NaNaNa by My Chemical Romance. <3
Is Drawing: I’m working on Izaya Orihara. But I plan to do some more characters from DRRR!! but hey, I might just keep at Shizzy and Izaya. XD I wanna do Kida or Celty though… 🙂